Washingtonpost.com
December 5, 2000

Equality in Marriage and Divorce
With Lorna Jorgenson Wendt, Founder, Equality in Marriage Institute

As the wife of Gary Wendt, former Chairman and CEO of General Electric Capital Corporation, Lorna Wendt stayed behind the scenes, managing and organizing the lives of her husband and two children. When her husband of 32 years demanded a divorce and offered her only 10% of their marital assets, she struggled to "prove" to a judge what her contribution to the marriage was worth in monetary terms. Wendt came to the painful realization that marriage was not inherently considered an equal partnership in a court of law. Her demands for a 50/50 partnership changed the legal and business worlds.

The story of her case was featured in The Wall Street Journal, and Wendt became a de-facto national spokesperson on this issue. She proactively brought her cause to the public appearing on the cover of Fortune Magazine and appearing on Oprah. In 1998, Lorna Wendt founded the "Equality in Marriage Institute," which focuses on divorce, and help women through emotional, financial, legal and family situations. She has also created a major information resource through her website www.equalityinmarriage.org. The Institute is a nonprofit organization that provides practical tools and advice for those going through a divorce. Wendt has also appeared on The Today Show and featured in the New York Times, Talk, and Business Week. She also actively gives speeches to organizations including The League of Women Voters, American Association of University Women, educational institutions and private asset management divisions in the banking industry.

She is a founding benefactor and board member of the Women's Philanthropy Institute; and on the advisory boards of Outward Bound, the University of Wisconsin's School of Music and College of Letters and Sciences, and the Stamford Center for the Arts.

The transcript follows.
Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Lorna Wendt: The Institute was established in 1998 based on thousands of phone calls from men and women who in someway related to my experience of tackling my divorce. The Institute works to support men and women through creating, maintaining, or dissolving their marriages with respect to equality on the emotional, financial and legal levels.

We seek to support individuals and we seek to begin a national dialogue about the topic of equality of marriage and divorce in society today.

washingtonpost.com: What are some key points of the website for both married and spouses going through divorce?
Lorna Wendt: Each section of our website has two components, one called "Taking Care of Business," which encompasses legal and financial issues, and one called "Taking Care of Yourself," which encompasses emotional, spiritual, and psychological issues. We built the site this way because we believe it is important in a relationship to take care of all aspects of yourself.

For married couples, we focus on everything from how to organize financial information about your partnership, talk about money in your marriage, and build an equal marriage to how to polish communication skills, discuss postnuptial agreements and receive partnership tips from the pros.

For individuals going through divorce, the website highlights everything from what to do first, what you need to know about lawyers, knowing what your marriage is worth, how to divide debt, to how friends and family can support you, handling divorce anger, joining a support group and many practical and informative action steps on financial, legal, emotional, and spiritual topics.

Boston, Mass: I am in my twenties and I am thinking about getting married. I don't have alot of money. Shall I still consider getting a pre-nup?
Lorna Wendt: Yes, prenuptials are just a contract before marriage. The way the Institute views prenuptials are a chance for the couple to talk about their finances, to have an open discussion even if there is not any money. They need to talk about what they will be having and make plans. Basically talking about money discusses their views and attitudes about saving, spending, and sharing. It is our view that it is the ultimate sign of trust.

Newark, NJ: Which states have equal distribution of assets. And in which states is it up to the judge.
Lorna Wendt: The community property or equal distribution states are Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, Nevada, and Wisconsin, these states start with the presumption of 50/50 division of assets. The other states, follow "equitable distribution," which leaves the decision up to the individual judge or courts to decide the value of the spouse and the division of assets on a case by case basis.

Alexandria, VA: I am a 31 year old woman and I recently married for the first time. I hope that my marriage will last a lifetime, but how can I protect myself financially in case it doesn't? Do you recommend separate bank accounts, vehicle titles, etc.? It seems sad to consider the possibility of divorce at the beginning of a marriage, but I have friends who have gotten burned during a divorce.
Lorna Wendt: First of all, I wish you had gotten a prenuptial. I recommend that you sit down with your husband and talk about a post-nuptial, this means after marriage in which you can discuss all of the financial things you forgot to discuss before you got married. It is my personal opinion that every woman should have some money of her own as in a separate bank account. How you decide how you pay family expenses is up to you. Look to our website for suggestions and ideas about how to discuss marriage contracts and how to learn about your marital finances.

DC: While your website is very interesting I think it would be of value only for those married couples who already have an equal partnership. What advice would you give a woman who is not an equal partner with her husband but wants to become one?
Lorna Wendt: It's not too late to start discussing becoming an equal partner. We believe from a financial, emotional and psychological level, marriage should be an equal partnership. We suggest you review the DURING MARRIAGE section of our website for advice on polishing communication, talking about money, building an equal marriage and learning your marriage finances.

New Orleans, LA: Does your website give any advice on how to help children during a divorce?
Lorna Wendt: Our website does not tackle the various and extremely important issues of children during a divorce. We chose not to address these issues because:

1. There are many organizations that do this quite successfully, such as the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy at www.aamft.org.
2. Every state has different family court laws.

Queens, NY: If a married man also has a mistress that he supports and dies....does his estate have any responsibilities to his mistress so that she can continue the life she was living?
Lorna Wendt:: I know of no state law that divides property at the time of death to include a mistress! I should assume that he should have thought of her during the making of his will.

Dallas, tx: How you do you feel about the many states that now have special classes that are available to couples when they get their marriage license?
Lorna Wendt: We strongly encourage couples to prepare themselves for marriage through the growing number of educational programs offered not only by states for license purposes but also by private organizations and religious groups. Anything that facilitates strong communication and dialogue about topics such as money, children, and lifestyle (which are often controversial issues in marriage) are important to discuss before you tie the knot. Florida is the first state to mandate the teachings of relationships in high school.

washingtonpost.com: How do you define "equality"?
Lorna Wendt: Webster's says equality is having the same rights, abilities, strengths, the value to do or make something equal. The Institute believes equality means 50/50 in all aspects of a relationship including financial, unless it is otherwise discussed and articulated in a prenuptial that both sides are comfortable with.

Market Snodsbury, VA: I read you talking about things emotional, spiritual, etc. as regards divorce, but the persistent underlying theme seems to be MONEY, MONEY, MONEY. Is it so?
Lorna Wendt: No, it is not so. Many of the questions (as you can see) are people asking about money and finances, probably because this is a quantitative aspect of the partnership. However, many of our constituents and many people in an unequal partnership or dissolving a marriage have emotional and spiritual issues. Difficult marriages and/or divorce present extremely challenging transitions for most people. We seek to support individuals through their transitions and promote more dialogue in society so that discussions about divorce, troubled partnerships, or family court law become more commonplace.

Nanjemoy, Md.: I am a recent divorcee also, I was divorced in September of this year. I had found out prior as of why my wife wanted a divorce -- it was because one of the kids was not my natural child and I was so hurt. I found this out through a DNA test. However she (my ex-wife) still gets to receive support by taking half of my income -- this is something she created. Question: Why is that? Now I'm without a family, half of my income is being taken away from me, all because of a lie. Please help me answer those questions. Thank you.
Lorna Wendt:: Not knowing the specifics of your case and not being legal advisors, I and the Institute cannot answer your specific issue or comment on any other individual case or legal question. Please use our website to find other legal related organizations that can provide you with these answers and perhaps you also want to look at some of the emotional and spiritual links as well.

RI: what happens to alimony payments if the spouse remarries? Are you still required to continue paying?
Lorna Wendt: Again this is up to each individual case as decided by the judge or the court. What frequently happens, as in my case, if I were to remarry, I would lose my alimony payment. Usually when a spouse remarries the divorce agreement nullifies alimony payments.

Miami, FL: I know in most cases it is the man in the relationship that usually ends up having to pay alimony.....If a woman makes more money than her husband and they divorce but she keeps custody of any children they may have....would she be required to support her husband as well?
Lorna Wendt: Women can't have it both ways. If a woman is the greater bread winner, she may well be required to support her husband as she should as circumstances dictate.

Los Angeles, CA: For people going through divorce, are there support groups readily available in most parts of the country.
Lorna Wendt: Unfortunately divorce is still seems to be viewed as a taboo subject in our society, and support groups are often difficult to find. However, they do exist. Look for support groups at your church or synagogue, YWCA or YMCA, at nearby colleges, local community centers, and look for directories online. Parents Without Partners have a directory of chapters in the U.S. and there are even virtual support groups like "Helping Each Other."

Silver Spring, MD: The reality is that many relationships are not 50/50!!! And I understand that it may be hard to prove what each percentage each is entitled to at the end. Do you prescribe to the notion that every woman is worth at least 50%.
Lorna Wendt: Aren't you? Of course we believe that every woman and man are equal in their worth, no less than or no more than each other.

VA: How do you recommend bringing up the subject of getting a prenup with one's fiance? Especially if you are the one with more money, so the prenup, in effect, protects you? How do you avoid looking greedy or heartless?
Lorna Wendt:: We hear from many people that they do want a prenuptial agreement. We also hear many people struggling with how to bring up this conversation. I think this is unfortunate. You are about to enter into the most important partnership of your life, the biggest social contract you will ever make. And you should be able to discuss openly this issue. To answer you directly, check out our website for suggestions on how to bring up this and other challenging topics with your spouse-to-be. Do know that both parties should have their own lawyers review the prenuptial and we advise neither party to sign unless they are absolutely comfortable with the terms. We don't believe a prenuptial is about greed, we believe it is the ultimate sign of trust.

washingtonpost.com: The Color of Money with Michelle Singletary will cover the financial individuality of spouses. Join her and her guest at 1 p.m. to talk about "should a wife hide her money?"

Atlanta, ga: Is the institute just for women or can men benefit from your services
Lorna Wendt: The Institute is for both women and men because marriages and divorces affect both women and men. If you are a man, we hope you find value from our website and services.

Fort worth, TX: You keep talking about pre-nups......did you have one when you got married?
Lorna Wendt: No, in my day, 1965, prenups were not common knowledge and were only viewed important for wealthy individuals. Now however, they are important for everyone.

washingtonpost.com: How is the Institute funded?
Lorna Wendt: I established the Institute in 1998 because of my experience struggling with something I previously had no experience with. I personally answered hundreds of phonecalls and letters and I realized that the issues I was confronting affected thousands of others of all walks of life. I made a financial commitment to establish the Institute to help others. So far I have financially supported the Institute in its establishment and hope that others will join me in supporting this cause so that we can help others. The Institute is a non-profit organization and accepts contributions on its website.

Lorna Wendt: These have been great questions. Thank you for the opportunity to come online. If you have any more questions or need more information visit our website www.equalityinmarriage.com or email us at info@equalityinmarriage.org.