The Greenville News
March 24, 2003

"There's help for families of those fighting war"
By Kathy Spencer-Mention

How do you build a strong relationship, stay close, communicate when your spouse is far away or facing deployment? How do you handle the family finances alone, if you've never done that before? How do you tell your children that Mom or Dad will return safely from war in the face of uncertainties?

Those are just a few of the questions confronting families of troops around the country. And every bomb dropped, every casualty reported, every day that passes can heighten feelings of anxiety.

"Maintaining a relationship in and of itself is difficult, but in a situation like this it can be very challenging," said Courtney Knowles, spokesman for the New York-based Equality in Marriage Institute. "Not only are you dealing with the everyday challenges of managing a relationship in a household, but you're also dealing with the reality that your partner may be or has gone to war, and is in a very unsure situation."

The organization was founded in 1998 after the very public divorce of Lorna Wendt to a high-powered executive. "We help people manage relationship transitions. And obviously, having a partner at war is a major transition," Knowles said. "There's an emotional component, taking care of yourself. And, then, there's the reality that you're running a household by yourself."

For people who may be facing deployment, he said, communication is key. "Talk about even the sensitive issues, their fears, the reality of the situation as far as what they're going to do when their spouse leaves. It's really important that in a relationship, both partners are very aware of what's going on in their partnership financially."

Communication in relationships, Knowles said, isn't easy. "But one of the premises of what we call a strong balanced relationship based in equality is the ability to sit down and talk about those things that concern you.

"And more than anything, when your household is faced with a partner leaving and going to war, you need to both feel safe and secure in your relationship. And ignoring the issues is not going to help that."

A variety of resources are available to assist military families in dealing with those issues. "Don't be afraid to say, 'I'm having trouble expressing my feelings. And we're having trouble talking about these issues,'" Knowles said.

The Upstate Chapter of the American Red Cross is one of several groups offering emotional support for families of troops locally. Located at 940 Grove Road, the chapter will host a support-group meeting for military families tonight from 6-8.

"It's a place to come to get some emotional reassurance," said Ann Wright, chapter manager.

"That's helpful in and of itself," Wright said.